Book Surgeon No. 15

Anyone that regularly reads nonfiction is likely to have heard of Malcolm Gladwell, Canadian journalist, writer for The New Yorker, and author of seven books. I have previously read another of his books, Blink, which is about the unconscious processes of our mind that lead to our snap judgments, or gut feelings, about people or situations we encounter. This week, however, is about Talking to Strangers, which is about, yes, talking to strangers. From my experience reading Gladwell, his books tend to focus on very few key points, with plenty of case examples to support his main claim. Perhaps this is an effective strategy since it is often hard to fully absorb the implications of more than a couple conclusions from a book anyways. 

In Talking to Strangers, Gladwell explores the difficulties and challenges with interacting with others. Much of the anger, conflict, and violence in the world around us is driven by poor communication and deception between individuals. Why do we have such a hard time talking to strangers, even when it is something we do almost every day? Gladwell uses a variety of examples in his book to highlight how bad we are at reading someone’s true emotions and detecting lies, which allows for a few key insights about human behavior. 

First, we have a tendency to default to truth. Barring any specific reason not to, we assume that people are good and are telling the truth. Our instinct to trust others is a good one and has proven advantageous over countless generations. We would have no functioning society or any healthy relationships if we constantly assumed the worst about people. It is better to deal with the consequences of someone else occasionally taking advantage of our trust than to live a life of utmost anxiety and stress about others’ malicious intentions. Nonetheless, although our trusting nature is desirable, the consequence is that we are at a natural disadvantage when attempting to detect lies. 

Second, we greatly overestimate our ability to discern someone’s thoughts through their facial expressions, and we are particularly perplexed when someone’s facial expressions do not match what they are actually feeling. If we see someone fidgeting in their seat when questioned about their honesty, we may conclude that they are lying. However, they may simply be nervous or suffering from social anxiety, and in turn, our misattribution biases our judgment about the person.

Third, we often struggle to fully grasp the power of coupling, which is simply the effect an environment has on our behavior. To illustrate this point, Gladwell uses the example of suicides. Many people assume that if you take away one suicide method, a suicidal person will simply use a different method. However, Gladwell explores the evidence and argues that this is not the case for everyone. Many suicides are triggered by something in one’s environment, and if you can take away that trigger, then some suicides can be avoided altogether. In other words, we underestimate the impact that the triggers in our environment have on our behavior. 

Ultimately, we think we are quite good at reading someone’s thoughts and emotions, but we are actually not very good. Understanding that we are not as good as we think gives us humility, which will help us respect others more and develop better relationships. Through this humility, we can begin to view others more holistically and to respect the influence of context, both for ourselves and for others. An outburst by a loved one, for instance, is much more likely to be caused by a stressful day at work than genuine anger or a lack of love towards you. By understanding the external influences on behavior, we can avoid taking others’ actions too personally, which will not only improve our relationships but also enhance our own happiness. 

Share with others if you enjoy! Thanks for reading and see you next week!