Book Surgeon No. 20

At a 4th of July gathering this week, my cousin told me a quote I had not heard before: “You are born looking like your parents, and you die looking like your choices.” I find myself pondering the implications of such a statement, and to what extent I agree with it. This week, I read the memoir Educated by Tara Westover, which explores Tara’s path away from family and her struggle to reconcile her past life and her future. Her father, who shows symptoms of bipolar disorder, did not trust mainstream medicine nor the public school system. In turn, Tara was born at home by a midwife, was treated by elixirs mixed at home when sick or injured, and never set foot in a classroom before the age of seventeen. Physically abused by one of her older brothers, Tara had nowhere to turn to and knew very little of the world outside her family’s farm in the mountains of Idaho. With nobody to confide in or to defend her, Tara grew up with little hope of a different life from her family. Yet, when one of her other siblings managed to go to college, Tara chose to embark on a path through education of her own. This decision would change the course of her life forever, dramatically changing her relationship with the world around her–but also with her family. As Tara embarks on her own journey, she is continuously distanced from her family and her upbringing, which stand on an island isolated from mainstream society. 

While Tara’s experience is particularly unique, a lot of people go through some divergence from their family’s path–attempting to create and discover one’s own identity. Some people diverge far, while others stay close to the path of their parents. There are tradeoffs to each kind of life, and we must assess what kind of life we want to live as we make the decisions that shape our life. Do we want to follow our parents’ path? What aspects of our life do we want to be different? What sacrifices do we want to make as we craft our own journey? Sacrifice is often inevitable. Yet, we can strive to be aware of the consequences of our decisions, so our sacrifices are informed and intentional. Mindless decisions tend to be the ones that make us feel lost, while awareness of our decisions keeps us moving in an intentional direction. 

In America, people are often encouraged to strive for as much success as possible, with little regard for the consequences that can arise–like distance from family, a loss of spontaneity, or less time for activities that bring us joy. Other cultures–often eastern cultures–choose to prioritize one’s responsibility to their family and to their community, rather than individual success. Children are often expected to return to their homes and take care of their parents through old age, just as their parents took care of them through childhood. Importantly, both cultures have some good traits and some bad traits. They both have valuable insights to offer. No culture can be entirely correct, or else it would dominate the world; there are many things to learn from cultures different from our own. Success and a meaningful life are defined differently all across the world, and by exposing ourselves to the world around us, we can build our own definition of success and meaning, allowing us to choose our own guiding principles. 

There is no way of avoiding decisions in our lives. For Tara, studying at BYU, Harvard, and Cambridge University introduced her to a whole world of history, philosophy, art, and other educational domains. She learned about other religions. She learned about medicine. By exposing herself to the outside world, Tara began to make her own decisions. There is no judge to determine whether her decisions were good or bad. On the one hand, she found herself in a circle of prestige and opportunity. On the other hand, she found herself farther from her family than she had ever been, both physically and emotionally. There is no understating how consequential our everyday decisions are: small decisions are often the most impactful. However, it is critical to remember that there is no single correct path to follow. There are happy people in every profession. There are happy athletes playing every sport. There are happy people living in every country. Make your choices and move forward. Enjoy your own journey, and appreciate the twists and turns along the way. 

Share with others if you enjoy! Thanks for reading and see you next week!