Book Surgeon No. 5

I was traveling this week, so I was looking for a quicker read and decided on Aziz Ansari’s Modern Romance, which is less modern now since it was released like ten years ago. Aziz is a pretty funny guy, so the book is written in a lighthearted and humorous style. Writing this book requires significant research, and Aziz does a nice job of incorporating research from a variety of academic sociologists to support his claims. Working closely with several sociologists, Aziz is able to conduct interviews and analyze large amounts of data on dating. 

Science and data analysis are great at explaining so many things about our world, and we are becoming increasingly reliant on the insights we can draw from data. However, dating and love, to me, still feels somewhat insulated from complete models, rationality, and science. Thus, I like the idea of a book about romance being written by a relatable comedian like Aziz, who includes his own personal anecdotes of struggling to navigate the challenges of dating in our modern online society. Ansari’s humorous tone helps the topic of love remain lighthearted and joyful. A plethora of jokes makes reading the book feel more like a bar conversation and less like reading a research paper. 

Discussing the experiences of individuals he interviews, Aziz implicitly and explicitly touches on a variety of sociological changes our society has experienced in recent decades. As Aziz illustrates, we can learn a lot about our current situation by studying how things were in the past, and to do so, he compares the dating experience of younger and older generations. One argument that he makes is that younger generations are much more likely to search for a perfect soul mate and demand immediate passionate love, as opposed to companionate love: “we want something that’s very passionate, or boiling, from the get-go. In the past, people weren’t looking for something boiling; they just needed some water. Once they found it and committed to a life together, they did their best to heat things up. Now, if things aren’t boiling, committing to marriage seems premature.” Unfortunately, however, as sociologist Andrew Cherlin notes, this “soul mate marriage model has the highest potential for disappointment. Since our expectations are so high, today people are quick to break things off when their relationship doesn’t meet them.” Assuming that younger generations are indeed more likely to demand a perfect soul mate to settle down with, I begin to wonder why this may be the case. Is it related to the massive increase in available stimuli in our lives? Perhaps we have such an abundance of entertaining options for stimuli in our lives (Netflix, YouTube, Instagram, online work, etc.) that we are less inclined to spend time investing in a partner that is anything less than perfect. Maybe we are so busy that the cost of investing in a relationship feels too burdensome. Alternatively, perhaps our inclination to seek perfection is directly related to the abundance of choice we have in dating and in other domains of our life, which reminds me of academic Barry Schwartz’s paradox of choice theory.  

According to Schwartz, having too many choices can actually significantly decrease our satisfaction with our decisions. In his book The Paradox of Choice, Schwartz writes how “learning to choose is hard. Learning to choose well is harder. And learning to choose well in a world of unlimited possibilities is harder, perhaps too hard.” While a freedom to choose from additional options may make us happier initially, too many options seem to restrict our happiness. This paradox has been extensively documented and can be experienced across all kinds of decisions, from choosing ice cream or jam in a grocery store to choosing a career or house to finding a partner to spend our time with. In the dating world, Aziz writes, “we aren’t limited to just the bing-bongs who live in our building. We have online dating that gives us access to millions and millions of bing-bongs around the world.” Like in dating, we are currently bombarded with an endless supply of options in our daily life. For instance, deciding where to eat is not as simple as it used to be. We are no longer restricted to the foods in our home or nearby restaurants. We can order takeout, have groceries delivered straight to our door, or conveniently reheat a frozen meal. Apps like Instacart and UberEats, as well as meal subscriptions like HelloFresh, are drastically changing how many options we have. As a result, we are spending more and more time researching and looking for the optimal choice. We seek the perfect home, the best career, the perfect dog breed, the best restaurant to eat at, or the perfect espresso machine to buy. And while more options allow us to be more picky, the downside to having too many options is the FOMO (fear of missing out), regret, or lack of conviction that we feel when we make a decision. The more options we have, the higher the expectation we have of the option we choose, which can lead to more disappointment. Perhaps more options is not what we should be seeking. Maybe we should spend less time seeking the perfect choice and more time appreciating our choice that is good enough.

Modern Romance is a lighthearted and fun read that not only offers insights into the current dating world but also into more general sociological changes that have changed how we make decisions and interact with the world around us. Ultimately, it made me think more broadly about the consequences of having too many choices and the balance we can seek between making a good choice without always seeking the absolute perfect choice.